sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
