I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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