$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
