everyone is single if you try hard enough
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
