thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
