Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize