i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
