Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
