Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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