wat bout pragnant strippers??
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
