sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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