threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
