Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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