so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
