So drunk its hurt
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
