Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
