"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
