im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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