If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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