why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
