At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
