The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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