oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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