my shit smells like andre
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
