My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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