and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
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