watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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