You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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