I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
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