i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
