I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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