life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
