he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
