I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
