Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize