1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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