I met the friendliest cop last night
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
