remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
