I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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