i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
