I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i drank out of a bidet.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
