dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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