She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
