So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
