Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
