i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
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