I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
