Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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