I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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