she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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