If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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