My liver just broke up with me...
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize