We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
