you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
The Olympian is in my bed
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
