get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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