Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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