can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
